Happy Anniversary

It April 12, 2010 and this would have been our 7 year wedding anniversary. If I had waitied , I know that nothing would be different and that makes me thoughtful. I don't know what I feel if anything and that makes me thoughtful too. All I know for sure is that this is still the right decision and that it is still one that makes my heart ache. I still think about you being alone and even though it is your choice and you probably prefer it, I feel bad. All I can do is wish you the best and hope that whatever happens in the future, that your life is better without me in it.

~el

It's been days

You'll never know how many tears I have shed for you and shed for you still.
There are not enough happy moments to counter what I am feeling at this point in time.
I miss my husband.
I miss the man you were supposed to be.
I miss the life we were supposed to live.
I miss the family we were supposed to have.

Maybe the correct word is grieve.

It's been days of feeling sad again. Still waiting for that eternal sunshine. Maybe it only comes when you die and go to heaven.

fine not fine...

its just moment to moment. surviving somehow.

this is not about then, this is just about now.

What is there left to cry about?

There can't possibly be another tear to shed over this relationship.

There is no way that any more guilt or saddness can possibly fit in my soul.

I can't carry any more anxiety or pressure in this body.

I feel like there is light just around the corner if only I would allow myself to see look at it.

~el

Dear Mom,

I know you are worried and sad. I know you want nothing more than to protect me and help me and take away my pain. I am your child, you gave me life and you wished with all your heart that it would be good and full and long and happy. Well, you have done your job well. Nothing you could have done would have changed my life from being what it is. Your dedication and love has made me the person I am today and I thank you for that with all my heart. This journey that I have to go through now is not meant to make your life harder. You dont have to take care of me even though I know you want to. You can let me flounder, let me struggle and know that I will be ok. I am only Lost right now but I see the light at the end of the tunnel and I will find my way.

~el

paralyzing

Sometimes when I am trying to pack or move forward I get so scared and overwhelmed and I feel paralyzed. Today I actually had to stop and sit down on the stairs because I just couldn't take one more step. The feelings of sadness overwhelmed me, the stinging in my eyes took over and I just had to sit down and cry.

~el

until i leave

if only i could find the strength to pack my things and go out on my own.

if only packing didnt seem like such an impossible step.

if only i didnt desperately want to hold him and make the pain go away.

if only 7 years hadn't gone by and the path we took veer so far off course.

if only there were a glimmer of hope that someday we could get back on track.

if only this was easy. but it won't get easier and it won't get better until i leave.

~el

"I myself am made of flaws, stitched together with good intentions"

~anonymous

killing me inside out

It could just about kill me to think that you will not be ok.

To know that you hurt and it is my fault is like a knife twisting in my heart.

We have been together for so long and there have been so many good times.

I dont know where to begin the process of not hurting you any more.

You have been so loyal and faithful and supportive of me all these years.

You have given me so much.

Its almost impossible to imagine that anything has ever been missing.

But the one thing that is missing is the only thing you can't give me.

and what I need the most.

~el

hurt

I just want to grab him and hold him and say forget it, lets just pretend i didn't say that. and just be in his arms and never let him go. I just can't stop hurting and I can't stop this feeling of utter devastation. I just think of him, how much he must resent me, how much he must resent all the time and effort he put into me and now I am leaving. He tried so hard with all his might to make me happy but no amount of trying can stop the storm from coming and nothing he can do will make this right. Please dont hate me. Im trying to do the right thing for us both.

enter tears here.

~el

The guilt... comes from the devil

It instantly brings burning tears to my eyes. the feeling that I am such a horrible person for not just suffering through. That I should push my needs to the back and settle for a life unfulfilled. I dont even know how to do that. Its been so long since I have felt like myself. I couldn't do this for much longer, and it took all of my strength so say those sad words.

it keeps sucking me in. This guilt. I just want to be happy but I find myself waivering between possibly moving on and feeling like I never will.

I have to move on, i have to move on, i have to move on. oh god this is horrible.

~el

I still dont know how to get through this.
The waves of emotion come and go and I find myself confused on my decision.
I know it is the right one but why do I still feel so emotional?
Packing my life and realizing how much of it is from our life together is like a constant reminder of the dream that can't come true.
The life unfulfilled and the walls that are closing in on it.

Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse, mostly I just feel like hiding.

~el

The crying girl..

When will she leave? this girl who cries and is on the verge of tears all the time. I know i will be ok. so why do I still get choked up at so many small triggers.

Alone in the house right now and I realize that this is my life. I will be alone, at least for a while. Am I ready for this? I don't know. I have never been alone, not for any significant amount of time. So how do I find the strength to do this? to leave this life and all its securities. To move on knowing how hard it is going to be to find a job, and a place to live, and and and...

How do I do this to him? I keep asking him if he is ok. He says yes and not to worry about him. But I know he is in pain, and he is not ok. He lies to himself and... back to why I am leaving.

~el

I am not alone

The hardest part is feeling like I am all alone and no one can possibly understand how I feel.

The realization that I am not alone, is what is going to carry me through this.

And today I found out that I am not alone.

~el

Through the fire and into the storm

I walked through the fire and came out alive but only barely.  The next steps are the most painful as I walk away from this life.  Empty and not whole.

Trying to start over and heading into the unknown is a daunting task.

Start with the packing, the separation of "things" who gets what... who even wants it with all those memories attached.

The storm that I am facing is menacing but when it is over, I will be cleansed of this life and starting a new one. 

I am looking forward to the sun.

~el

how do i stop crying

I feel like I will never stop crying.  I know I will, i just don't know when and that is what makes me so sad and the cycle continues.

what to do now?

6 month plan
starting with a plan for tomorrrow

Fire and Ice

Its not Yin and Yang, its not opposites attract, its fire and ice. two elements that can not be combined no matter how hard you try, one consumes the other and in the end, they both die.

i feel like i am dying

~el

I can't breath

I can't catch my breath. I feel like I am literally drowning.

how can I do this to him, to us.

But I've crossed the line and can't go back.

My will to continue down this path is not strong anymore

i can't keep telling myself this is my life.

I don't know what kind of life I will have in the future but I know I am doing the right thing for us both.

God give me strength. Please God, give me strength.

~el

Grew a pair

The torture is over but actually it has just begun.

After telling you I'm leaving I have to pick up my life where i left it before you but with another piece of my heart broken off.

I am numb with sadness and dont know if I can cry one more tear but know I will cry millions more.

Being in this house with you is the sadest thing but I don't know how to begin to leave.

Seeing our life together laid out and reflected in every object and speck of dust is debilitating.

I can't even begin to describe the guilt I feel.

I just hope that this too shall pass.

and then I found this.



~el

How long can the silent treatment last?

Its amazing to me how you can walk around this house and never say a word. How few words you can speak to me in a day. And when we are fighting, like now, that you can completely turn your love for me off and ingnore me for days on end.

I know this is your nature becuase when we are in a group I feel like I have to speak enough for both of us. It is so rare that you contribute to the conversation. I used to think this was because you liked to listen and learn but now I know it is becuase you dont like to share or give of yourself. Let no one in. That is your way of safe gaurding your feelings and never getting hurt. You are a scared little boy hiding in your room praying that the world never find out what is going on in your house. I understand this fear. I just don't think I can help you and I know that you will never change. How can you, you can't be something that you are not. Unfortunately, neither can I.

Now you have shut the world out and even though we are together, you are still alone.

~el

I would be stronger...

than the girl who stays because it is the easier path,

the girl who stays for her kids,

the girl who stays because she doesn't want to fail,

the girl who stays because she has gained weight and worries that....

the girl who stays because she doesn't want to let her family down,

the girl who stays because she wants someone to take care of her,

the girl who stays because she is scared,

the girl who stays becuase she feels guilty,

the girl who stays and becomes a cheater,

than the girl who stays because her loves her.

I would be stronger than that.

~el

for better or worse, or worse, or worse...

I just keep taking it and taking it and taking it....

When will I grow a pair and leave. What is this strange hold he has over me?

For the sake of my passion which has become like a child to me. But it's not a child and it's not even alive so really, the only person suffering from my sacrafice is me. And maybe him. He is suffering too because until one of us gows a pair, we will never be able to be happy.

~el

Looking Back and Forth

I can't believe 6 years have come and gone and yet nothing has changed.
All my hopes that I laid on your shoulders have remained unfulfilled.
I dare not dream of a day when things will be different and yet I know it can be.
This life I live is so full and yet so empty.
The love you give is so genuine and yet not enough.
I see a bright future where passion and fulfillment are a reality.
Yet I wait because you are my friend and I love you.
~el

crying

I cry for the man that he is and can never be for me.

for the love that he gives but can never be enough

and for the time that is slipping through my fingers while I try to make the right choice.

~el