hurt

I just want to grab him and hold him and say forget it, lets just pretend i didn't say that. and just be in his arms and never let him go. I just can't stop hurting and I can't stop this feeling of utter devastation. I just think of him, how much he must resent me, how much he must resent all the time and effort he put into me and now I am leaving. He tried so hard with all his might to make me happy but no amount of trying can stop the storm from coming and nothing he can do will make this right. Please dont hate me. Im trying to do the right thing for us both.

enter tears here.

~el

The guilt... comes from the devil

It instantly brings burning tears to my eyes. the feeling that I am such a horrible person for not just suffering through. That I should push my needs to the back and settle for a life unfulfilled. I dont even know how to do that. Its been so long since I have felt like myself. I couldn't do this for much longer, and it took all of my strength so say those sad words.

it keeps sucking me in. This guilt. I just want to be happy but I find myself waivering between possibly moving on and feeling like I never will.

I have to move on, i have to move on, i have to move on. oh god this is horrible.

~el