I still dont know how to get through this.
The waves of emotion come and go and I find myself confused on my decision.
I know it is the right one but why do I still feel so emotional?
Packing my life and realizing how much of it is from our life together is like a constant reminder of the dream that can't come true.
The life unfulfilled and the walls that are closing in on it.

Sometimes I feel better, sometimes I feel worse, mostly I just feel like hiding.

~el

The crying girl..

When will she leave? this girl who cries and is on the verge of tears all the time. I know i will be ok. so why do I still get choked up at so many small triggers.

Alone in the house right now and I realize that this is my life. I will be alone, at least for a while. Am I ready for this? I don't know. I have never been alone, not for any significant amount of time. So how do I find the strength to do this? to leave this life and all its securities. To move on knowing how hard it is going to be to find a job, and a place to live, and and and...

How do I do this to him? I keep asking him if he is ok. He says yes and not to worry about him. But I know he is in pain, and he is not ok. He lies to himself and... back to why I am leaving.

~el

I am not alone

The hardest part is feeling like I am all alone and no one can possibly understand how I feel.

The realization that I am not alone, is what is going to carry me through this.

And today I found out that I am not alone.

~el

Through the fire and into the storm

I walked through the fire and came out alive but only barely.  The next steps are the most painful as I walk away from this life.  Empty and not whole.

Trying to start over and heading into the unknown is a daunting task.

Start with the packing, the separation of "things" who gets what... who even wants it with all those memories attached.

The storm that I am facing is menacing but when it is over, I will be cleansed of this life and starting a new one. 

I am looking forward to the sun.

~el

how do i stop crying

I feel like I will never stop crying.  I know I will, i just don't know when and that is what makes me so sad and the cycle continues.

what to do now?

6 month plan
starting with a plan for tomorrrow

Fire and Ice

Its not Yin and Yang, its not opposites attract, its fire and ice. two elements that can not be combined no matter how hard you try, one consumes the other and in the end, they both die.

i feel like i am dying

~el

I can't breath

I can't catch my breath. I feel like I am literally drowning.

how can I do this to him, to us.

But I've crossed the line and can't go back.

My will to continue down this path is not strong anymore

i can't keep telling myself this is my life.

I don't know what kind of life I will have in the future but I know I am doing the right thing for us both.

God give me strength. Please God, give me strength.

~el

Grew a pair

The torture is over but actually it has just begun.

After telling you I'm leaving I have to pick up my life where i left it before you but with another piece of my heart broken off.

I am numb with sadness and dont know if I can cry one more tear but know I will cry millions more.

Being in this house with you is the sadest thing but I don't know how to begin to leave.

Seeing our life together laid out and reflected in every object and speck of dust is debilitating.

I can't even begin to describe the guilt I feel.

I just hope that this too shall pass.

and then I found this.



~el

How long can the silent treatment last?

Its amazing to me how you can walk around this house and never say a word. How few words you can speak to me in a day. And when we are fighting, like now, that you can completely turn your love for me off and ingnore me for days on end.

I know this is your nature becuase when we are in a group I feel like I have to speak enough for both of us. It is so rare that you contribute to the conversation. I used to think this was because you liked to listen and learn but now I know it is becuase you dont like to share or give of yourself. Let no one in. That is your way of safe gaurding your feelings and never getting hurt. You are a scared little boy hiding in your room praying that the world never find out what is going on in your house. I understand this fear. I just don't think I can help you and I know that you will never change. How can you, you can't be something that you are not. Unfortunately, neither can I.

Now you have shut the world out and even though we are together, you are still alone.

~el

I would be stronger...

than the girl who stays because it is the easier path,

the girl who stays for her kids,

the girl who stays because she doesn't want to fail,

the girl who stays because she has gained weight and worries that....

the girl who stays because she doesn't want to let her family down,

the girl who stays because she wants someone to take care of her,

the girl who stays because she is scared,

the girl who stays becuase she feels guilty,

the girl who stays and becomes a cheater,

than the girl who stays because her loves her.

I would be stronger than that.

~el

for better or worse, or worse, or worse...

I just keep taking it and taking it and taking it....

When will I grow a pair and leave. What is this strange hold he has over me?

For the sake of my passion which has become like a child to me. But it's not a child and it's not even alive so really, the only person suffering from my sacrafice is me. And maybe him. He is suffering too because until one of us gows a pair, we will never be able to be happy.

~el

Looking Back and Forth

I can't believe 6 years have come and gone and yet nothing has changed.
All my hopes that I laid on your shoulders have remained unfulfilled.
I dare not dream of a day when things will be different and yet I know it can be.
This life I live is so full and yet so empty.
The love you give is so genuine and yet not enough.
I see a bright future where passion and fulfillment are a reality.
Yet I wait because you are my friend and I love you.
~el

crying

I cry for the man that he is and can never be for me.

for the love that he gives but can never be enough

and for the time that is slipping through my fingers while I try to make the right choice.

~el